Communicating With Husbands
Hubby and I went to a convention for our church ministry this weekend and a speaker ~~ an expert on communication ~~ opened up a whole bag of worms for us. He said that the latest research shows that men and women have VERY different communication needs (duh). But here's the twist: When women talk to women we interrupt frequently with tangental comments that show the other woman we understand what they are saying and, oh yes, we can relate. When men talk to men they do NOT interrupt like that because interrupting, for men, is showing disrespect and it SHUTS a man up ~ actually turns off his aspirations for communicating that particular line of thought and leaves him feeling frustrated.
So the problem comes, of course, when women and men talk and the woman keeps interrupting to add her two cents. Okay, I have to tell you that I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. In my opinion I'm showing support. Oh, no. I learned this weekend that it ANNOYS my husband and he considers it one of our biggest communication problems (that I don't let him complete his thoughts before interjecting) only he just didn't know how to articulate it before. NOW that he understands the problem he's all over wanting to fix it.
What problem? He just needs to talk a little faster so I don't feel the urge to finish the thought.
Just kidding. I've agreed to make a conscious effort to hold my tongue when he's expressing some big thought and if I'm interjecting prematurely (wait, isn't that something they do? Oh, wrong word) then he's going to hold up a quick "time out" sign with his hands so I know he's still talking. It sounds so demeaning and I'm really having trouble with this one but I agreed to work on it to honor his need for uninterrupted discourse. I do wonder how I'm supposed to know when he has this urge to finish a thought and when we are in just a regular old conversation. So I keep interrupting our conversation to ask him if it's okay to interrupt.
And I made it clear that if I couldn't throw in my sarcastic side~comments on a regular basis then I just wouldn't be a happy camper. He married me with all my little comments. C'est moi!
What does this have to do with kids? Not much but it's interesting because I'm pretty sure this is a universal phenomenon. What's also kindling my husband's new awakening about our communication styles is that he read a book called Keys To The Kingdom (by Anderson?). He actually heard the author interviewed and bought the book by himself online. Amazing. Anyway it's all about understanding MEN and the various phases they go through in life and the kind of support and communication they need (of course he wants me to read it).
I'll give you a book report when I'm done. Short book.
Lisa
P.S. Just kidding about the book being short. But see? I just can't stop with the comments....
So the problem comes, of course, when women and men talk and the woman keeps interrupting to add her two cents. Okay, I have to tell you that I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. In my opinion I'm showing support. Oh, no. I learned this weekend that it ANNOYS my husband and he considers it one of our biggest communication problems (that I don't let him complete his thoughts before interjecting) only he just didn't know how to articulate it before. NOW that he understands the problem he's all over wanting to fix it.
What problem? He just needs to talk a little faster so I don't feel the urge to finish the thought.
Just kidding. I've agreed to make a conscious effort to hold my tongue when he's expressing some big thought and if I'm interjecting prematurely (wait, isn't that something they do? Oh, wrong word) then he's going to hold up a quick "time out" sign with his hands so I know he's still talking. It sounds so demeaning and I'm really having trouble with this one but I agreed to work on it to honor his need for uninterrupted discourse. I do wonder how I'm supposed to know when he has this urge to finish a thought and when we are in just a regular old conversation. So I keep interrupting our conversation to ask him if it's okay to interrupt.
And I made it clear that if I couldn't throw in my sarcastic side~comments on a regular basis then I just wouldn't be a happy camper. He married me with all my little comments. C'est moi!
What does this have to do with kids? Not much but it's interesting because I'm pretty sure this is a universal phenomenon. What's also kindling my husband's new awakening about our communication styles is that he read a book called Keys To The Kingdom (by Anderson?). He actually heard the author interviewed and bought the book by himself online. Amazing. Anyway it's all about understanding MEN and the various phases they go through in life and the kind of support and communication they need (of course he wants me to read it).
I'll give you a book report when I'm done. Short book.
Lisa
P.S. Just kidding about the book being short. But see? I just can't stop with the comments....
6 Comments:
Huh. Yes, we have that exact same problem.
Sometimes I think it is a CULTURAL thing and not a gender thing. Is that possible? Is this totally not PC? Like, I think it is very WASPY not to interrupt or be interrupted. And it is very Catholic and Jewish to totally interrupt and also be interrupted. And we just don't care. In fact, it makes the conversation much more interesting. (to us!)
Or maybe it is a location thing - Easterners and Southerners don't interrupt, Westerners do. Not sure on the Midwesterners.
So now that I've offended everybody with broad generalizations...let's get more specific! :
All I know is, I've made those little asides to my husband, and to his family - men and women (mostly Protestants, and the one other Catholic girl doesn't seem to mind) - and everybody stops speaking. Doh! I have to bite my tongue all the time just to keep the conversation going.
And odds of my remembering my smart remarks when it is my turn to speak? Very low. Maybe that's why I get quiet around them. I'm not used to waiting my turn to speak.
According to the doctor in communication....it is clearly a gender thing and some (of our species) are just more accustomed to interrupting (perhaps our upbrining????) and others are more, let's just say, respectful. We think our little asides are so funny but apparently they do quite a lot of damage. Crazy, huh? All this time we thought we were being good communicators!
Your sister.Lisa
I don't buy it. Having sat in a board room full of men, in more meetings than I care to remember, men interrupt each other A:L:L T:H:E T:I:M:E!!! In fact, in my experience, if you don't learn to interrupt, you literally can't get a word in edgewise. I think women may make tangental comments, but generally wait for a 'pause' before responding. With a group of men, there is no such pause, just one interuption after another.
Now, this may be somehow more specific to a work environment, but I find the whole thing rather ironic. And incredibly frustrating. Because I think when a man is interrupted by a woman, it is seen differently than when they are interrupted by another man. And that's where the real rub is.
I explained this little analysis to hubby and he said, "that's because we're at war (in the boardroom) but I don't want to be at war with you" But I think you're right: in a work environment you have to fight like the rest of the boys to be heard.
Although hubby just said that when women come on the attack at work that's when men think "bitch." Hubby is pretty straight-forward about what guys think deep down inside. Personally, I think we're screwed either way.
Saw the 40-year old virgin tonight. Funny. Lisa
So, so, true. I don't generally have a problem in a conference setting of strangers--maybe I'm pitching my voice at the right frequency or something--but I have a HUGE problem getting the men in my office to acknowledge my comments in a small meeting. Why I do better at large meetings and not as well among the men that I know and work with every day, I have no idea. It wouldn't matter if I shouted or took my shirt off--sometimes I'm completely invisible.
aarwenn,
I have had that same experience. It is so odd! (and incredibly annoying!!!!)
I one time had a boss SUGGEST to the other men that they not acknowledge what I said becuase I always brought up problems. OH MY GOD. That was my job - as project management director, to report when some projects were off track.
Yeah, they're not doing that great as a company now, but STILL.
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